The World is Still Turning

Since my last post (12 days ago - seems like forever), I have hosted the parents for a weekend, battled a cold, been flatly stood up, counseled a friend about what could be the end of her engagement, taken a boat ride around DC, danced till my feet could hardly function, hosted a baby shower, and planned for the Vegas trip. And I thought I'd be bored to tears with no overtime at work last week.

I think my pregnant friend has the right idea - she is unexpectedly expecting but the baby's father is totally out of the picture. This may sound like a bad idea to some . . . but I think it might be the ideal situation: taking a big life step forward but no man around to somehow screw it up. Because I'm beginning to think that men are good for nothing except procreation and disappointment.

That being said, I am not a quitter and I don't believe in going down without a fight. As I've written here before, I find no shame in something not working out when I've fought like hell and given it my best shot. But I must be frank - the latest "prospect" has me at wits' end and I am ready to be done with him, good or bad. I am not a high-maintenance girl (and yes, that has been affirmed by ex-whatevers past so I believe it is true). I pride myself on not being needy and enjoying the fabulous "my own thing" I've got going. Relationships aren't the special feature in the cinema of my life. They are the candy or popcorn: completely unnecessary, but hey, it makes the show a little more enjoyable.

But when a guy goes out of his way to tell you he's interested in you, and you reciprocate, then he can't back that statement up with any action whatsoever, you begin to wonder WTF is up. And that's where I am right now. I don't need constant phone calls, showering with presents, or anything that might cramp my style. But I do need something. A little sign, a few words, something to show me that my interest in him is not a waste of my time.

Or at least a little honesty, difficult as it is, that he is no longer interested.

I'm just confused. I am still interested, I want to know whether or not he still is, and if he still is, can we alter our "thing" so that I don't feel like I'm bothering him when I reach out. Is that really so hard???

That's all I've got on that topic.

On another . . . it's been a year since the only real love I've had in the last 4 years crushed my heart prior to moving overseas. Since then we have exchanged sterile conversation about 10 times, with the mention of anything significant at a whopping twice. Sometimes I think he will end up as my "one that got away." Time will tell, I guess. In the meantime, the sun still rises everyday and I carry on, even though I think of him more often than I'll ever admit. And I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I learned a lot from the death (murder? agonizingly slow dismemberment?) of that relationship, and while I fiercely want to believe I've changed for the better, I wonder if he believes the same or just resents me for being young and afraid.

Comfort with the unknown is a luxury of the apathetic. Not exactly my style. But since the world hasn't ended yet, I have to believe that the answers are out there somewhere, and it's just a matter of time and patience until I finally find them.

Shocking, isn't it. I always thought I was a pessimist.