"It Was a Very Good Year . . . "

Another one gone by. I am looking forward to it being over. This year had one too many kicks in the teeth, right up to today, and I'm ready for it to be done.

A musical I know asks, "How do you measure a year?" If a year is measured in how much you stretched yourself, how much you felt, how much you loved . . . then it's been a very good year. It had a great start. It had some amazing times. It brought a few changes; some welcome, some not. And I can honestly say that the changes have made me stronger, more in touch with myself, and more aware in general. I've felt a million emotions very deeply; I cried, I laughed, I raged, I simmered, I loved, I loathed, I played, I played it safe. I fell off a wagon and climbed on another. There were firsts and lasts.

My, what a year can bring.

My new year's resolutions? Pretty simple.

• GET NEW ASSIGNMENT AT WORK. Escape the clutches of evil and drama. Be free! But in the meantime . . .
• Survive remaining months in office by taking as much time off and training as possible.
• Avoid stabbing coworkers in face.
• Get rid of people I honestly don't like that are cluttering up my life.
• Keep up workout regiment.
• VEGAS!

And most importantly . . . keep my soul intact. Keep my heart safe and strong, keep my love ready to give, keep the smiling little girl inside as the guiding force on how I see the world. I won't give in to a world that is trying to suffocate the good and break me down.

Happy 2009, folks! I wish you the best this year and always.

Catch Up (or, Life Back In the Twilight Zone)

Hello! Time to bring you all up to speed on the holiday season and life in my alternate universe!

Thanksgiving at home was great. There was a snowstorm that created the perfect winter wonderland. Now, if only we could have such perfect snow at Christmas . . .

The class reunion was pretty much what I expected. Folks look pretty much the same, and mostly that is a great thing! There were only a couple people I didn't recognize immediately. It was really great to catch up and see people. I'm hoping it will reestablish some good old friendships.

In addition to the reunion, my old group of girls got together for a Friday night out to the new bar in our sleepy little hometown, which just a year or so ago approved allowing liquor licenses within the borough . . . consequently, it is no longer a "dry" town. And halleluiah! The bar was quite fun, and refreshingly inexpensive. Me and my girls had a hilarious time. There were shots, pictures, stories, dancing, and even karaoke. I was DD and got everyone home safely.

Stats from the weekend:

• Social/family events: 3
• Alcohol units consumed: 11
• Questions regarding my relationship status: 7

Overall pretty good.

I drove back to VA in the rain and crappy traffic, listening to the Steelers whallop the Patriots (yesssss!). Got home and proceeded to have quite an odd night - which involved getting butt-dialed at 0200 and hearing some things I really could have lived without hearing. It was therefore NOT a good Monday. The week didn't get a whole lot better, but it sure ended oddly . . .

I was invited to a guy friend's place, he wanted to make me dinner. So I went, and we enjoyed a tasty meal and a dip in the hot tub outside in the cold air. He is an odd one, which I've known all along. But I absolutely did not expect we'd spend the whole night discussing . . . (ahem) . . . sex. He wanted to know everything about me and supplied the same information about himself. We even looked at less-than-wholesome internet material sitting on his bed. And while he never laid a hand on me except our hugs hello and goodbye, he gave me the most direct proposition I've ever received. Flat out: "If you decide you want to, I'm game" (in so many words). I responded that I was flattered, but I was absolutely not "there" with him, and I needed us to only be friends right now. As is usually the case with my boys, he's left the area not to return for a few months. I'm thankful for that because the whole thing just about knocked me off a cliff.

Oh - let's not forget that this is just another example of ridiculous incestuousness in my life: he is the ex-fling of one of my girlfriends . . . and the last guy Stupider dated prior to settling for Stupid. Can somebody please write me out of this ludicrious sitcom already?????

Speaking of whom . . . if I can trust my ears - the Stupids are preggo. There is simply no end to this insanity. Perhaps my wish that they will have triplets will come true, but I'll settle for both of them getting fat (well, him getting fatter that is).

This past week also kicked my ass across town. I worked like a slave and rewarded myself with a nice relaxing weekend. I had a lovely lunch with an old friend who conveniently owns a tux, and will be my date for the Inaugural Ball. I had pizza/movie night in with my cuddle buddy, who is simply damn adorable. He even went out in the cold to bring my car to the door for me when I left; how sweet is that? I hit the "Little Black Dress" party and got to hear a live acoustic set by GAVIN ROSSDALE!!!! It was great. He did his new single, plus "Comedown" and "Glycerine," and even covered U2's "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses."

I am looking forward to this week (my last full one at work for a while, yay!) to get my Christmas shopping done. I'm in the Christmas spirit for sure after going to a church-sponsored sing-along of Handel's "Messiah" this afternoon. It's a glorious and happy time of year and I'm going to soak up every minute!

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

Something to November

The leaves have fallen. I reach for sweaters and not tank tops. I lace up my Dr. Martens, not slip into my Birkenstocks. I leave the house early to warm up the car and dash from the parking lot to my desk, not stroll to enjoy the morning. I run on a treadmill so my ears don't freeze. I turn my face to the sun and soak up all the rays I can, when I can, because it seems I never know when I'll see it again.

Winter is here.

At least I can get a little more sun than I did in PA.

I've been busy since my last blog. I went shopping and treated myself to a massage. I had a date. I hunted real estate since the season is so good, looking at 9 places in the past 2 weeks, 4 of which are promising. I partied with some new friends (and JunkFood!). I had a lovely dinner with my favorite ex-boyfriend (no, I don't hate all of them). I had a girl-date. I had two guy-friend-dates. I worked a lot. I had another date. I welcomed home one of my girls with a ride to her car and a cup of coffee and lots of girl-talk. I finally got my hair back to its relatively normal color, plus a slightly different cut (think a shorter version of Shannen Dougherty - it looks dark enough to make me look mildly goth and I might play w/ that at work tomorrow).

And something happened that hasn't happened for a year . . .

I got flowers.

I got flowers!!!! I promise I will only "girl-out" for two sentences despite wanting to gush volumes . . .

1. Flowers are simply a really nice thing.

2. I like to get them, not all the time, but occasionally.

OK, done. And sure, o reader, I'll give you what you really want . . .

Yes, the dates were good. Excellent, in fact. They're very cool guys and I had a lot of fun. One is even a Steelers fan from 'da Burgh.

But neither of them has the smile that the flowers saw before the sender clicked "SUBMIT ORDER." Neither of them has the laugh I miss. Neither of them has the sweetness to laugh off a ridiculous night of celebratory drinking or to hang my towel closer to the shower door. Neither of them knows what songs I sing when I blow-dry my hair. Neither of them are quite there.

Yep, I'm a sap. But I've found someone who's very important to me and that's just how it is. I don't know if it's love, or forever, but it makes me smile now. And that's all I need. Be safe out there, Goldilocks. I'll be missing you.

I'm off to PA this week for some family holiday time and my high school class reunion. No doubt this will be an adventure, and I will post a count of alcohol units consumed (if I manage to keep track, that is!)

From the Fringe

As I write this, the entire social circle of my first two years in Virginia, plus the majority of my coworkers for the past two, are somewhere celebrating the Stupids' wedding, after-the-fact. Because when you get married after dating for only 8 months, keeping it a secret from everyone, and you run off to Vegas to do it since one of you has already had one big wedding, you don't really have time to involve everyone. Today's attendees include Dusty and Where's Dessert, two people who used to be very, very close to me . . . and who are no longer. People I used to trust. People I used to even love.

It's on my mind. I can't help it. I've known it was coming for several weeks now and my tolerance of Stupider in the office grew pretty thin recently. But maybe knowing today's event is finally happening can help the moving on process.

Who am I fooling - the way this bullshit drama is unfolding, she's already pregnant and they'll just be breaking the news to everyone today. ;)

Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places" came on the iPod on random today and how appropriate.

I showed up in boots and ruined your black tie affair
Last one to know, last one to show
I was the last one you thought you'd see there
I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes
When I took his glass of champagne
I toasted you, said 'honey we may be through,
But you'll never hear me complain!'

And the live-version-only third verse:

I guess I was wrong, I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
Everything's all right
I'll just say goodnight and show myself to the door
I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just wait till I finish this glass
Sweet little lady, I'll get back to the bar
And you can KISS MY ASS!!!!

While I dream of a delicious confrontation in which I come out the obvious winner, I know too much time has passed for that to actually happen. I also know that resolution lies in my hands alone, because it's obvious they don't see any need to reconcile. While I doubt true reconciliation is possible, I'm praying for the ability to forgive and to remain the stronger person. The one who sees people doing hurtful things and promises to never, ever, treat another person that way.

And I know everyone is wondering why I'm still talking about it. It's been almost a year. Yes, I know. But just think how easy it would be for YOU to heal from major deceit, major betrayal by two of your close friends . . . and to top it off, have to work EVERY DAMN DAY with one of the responsible parties. You tell me how well you'd do when you see her every day, knowing she lied to your face and deliberately deceived you, and it was likely at his request. Think about it and tell me how easy it would be to wake up every day, prepare for work like you'd prepare for battle, sit in a cube for 9 hours, conscious of everything you do and say, dreading every moment you might hear her voice, listening to her and her BFF pick-and-talk about weekend plans or home improvement projects or the latest party in the circle you are no longer a part of. Think about how it would feel to have a boss who thinks your nemesis can do no wrong, while you are the only person in the office the boss openly dislikes and constantly reprimands. Think about it.

And don't judge me too harshly till you've walked the same road.

So yeah, it's still on my mind. I know distance helps and look forward to it every chance I have. But until then, it's a wound that's ripped open every day and I appreciate your patience while I slowly heal.

It's Halloween!

Once a year, you have to determine your answer to one of life's most important questions:

"Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"

I am definitely a bad witch.

Because bad witches have more fun.

I am so excited for today. Yes, I will probably look a little out of place at work in my costume, but how much more appropriate for my work could my "Wicked Witch of the Middle East" costume be? I also take pride wearing it in my office, where the drama is high and I am seen as a witch anyway. After work I'll be heading into the city for drinks and dinner, followed by a performance by my favorite local/cover band. Yay!

I hope everyone out there has a spookaliscious Halloween! Enjoy yourself and don't let the kids have all the fun!

What Friends Are Made Of

It's not for the weak or the ambivalent.

If you want to be called my friend, this is what's expected:

• Honesty. If you know something that I don't, and it pertains to me, you have to tell me. No matter how much you don't want to, and no matter how you think I'll react.
• Brutal Honesty. If I ask you something, don't lie to me. Even if it makes me look fat, I want to know.
• Intelligence. Don't ask me questions if whatever answer I give won't even possibly change your mind.
• Empathy. When I am down, try and pick me up. If you can't, get down on the ground with me until I can stand.
• Loyalty. If I'm right, stand by me. If I'm wrong, tell me and help me see why.
• Care. I don't mind if we don't talk every day, or every week, but when something wonderful, or terrible, happens in your life, let me share it with you.
• Humility. Tell me when you hurt, and I will do everything I can to heal you.
• Understanding. I am a little nuts . . . but not more so than your average person. Maybe I am even less crazy than you. Accept me for who I am, and accept that I try to change what I can.
• Love. I am a loving person, and I have a lot to give. You must be able to love me back, and love others.
• (For the boys:) Platonicism. The basis of a cupcake is the cake, not the icing or sprinkles. If we have a friendship that leads to sparks, how lucky we are indeed. But passion fades, and friendship can last forever. Our friendship should be strong regardless of what we do or don't do.
• Help. Think of The Godfather. Healthy exchanges of influence when requested with grace. I will do whatever I can for you, and I expect the same.

And as I posted a while back, I will not hold others to standards I cannot meet myself. If you can do the above things, I will do them for you with everything I have. I will do them happily, for a true friend.

In my life right now, I've acquired some companions who are not true friends. My naivete sometimes fools me into believing I can be friends with everyone I meet, even when we have little in common or circumstances change over long periods of time. This is simply not true. Some people require a buffer of space, something I've learned the hard way many, many times. Some people are pure evil. Some people manipulate, using others only to validate themselves. Some hate themselves and can only find satisfaction in taking others down with them.

Maybe these folks have never known the blessing of true friendship, which is really sad to me. I have experienced it more than I deserve. And I maintain that to call people "friends" who don't truly deserve the title, is an insult to the true ones. It's as simple as a turn of phrase.

They are not friends. They are acquaintences. Auxiliaries. Companions. Passerby. And by the end of the year, they are going to be put in their place.

To my real friends out there - I know you're there because I wouldn't share this blog with you otherwise - I love you, and I promise I will show it as often as I can, and as often as you need.

Thank you for being part of my life.

Roaming Gnome

Since 12 September, I have transited exactly 12 airports, and four of them more than once. I have been across the country and to the other side of the world. I leave tomorrow for yet another excursion across the country.

I love to travel. Obviously. I can't get enough of seeing new places and new faces, of being gawked at as a stranger, of trying new foods (and praying they don't jack my stomach up!) of shopping in strange markets and stores, of exploring hotels, of seeing new terrain that has been more beautiful than I ever thought possible.

I saw mosaics, mountains, art, and one of the true wonders of the ancient world and can only thank God I had the opportunity.

I heard a few funny things along the way:

• "Excuse me, Mr. Ambassador, may I use your can?"
• "I'm eating the pork as cover."
• "Infidel cooties are the worst kind."
• Person 1: "You're gonna miss me someday!" Person 2: "When, after I kill you??"
• "I quit this bitch."

I also learned a few things, as one truly should while traveling:

• When someone says a person has a "very dry sense of humor," it really means that the person referred to is a complete asshole, and the speaker is too nice to say so.
• Even perfect people make mistakes (delicious knowledge for those of us who can't ever seem to get stuff right!). I heard the story of Mrs. Stupider giving a big briefing and concluding with " . . . and that's our office in a nutbag."
• Always bring an extra bag when you are going on a trip. You never know what you might find in your shopping adventures.
• An hour-long climb of 800+ steps in 85-degree heat is not nearly as fun as it may seem, but it's worth the subsequent two days of pain to see amazing views and ruins.
• Jet lag sucks. It will make you doze off in meetings despite actually caring and listening, and it will rise you at 0400 when all you want to do is sleep.
• I really, really, don't want to go into work today. I want to go shopping, eat everything in sight, and get pretty for my visit with my hottie this weekend.

I guess I'll settle for wearing heels, styling my hair, putting on lipstick, and visiting Starbucks, all of which I have not experienced for 2 weeks. I may travel around the world, but returning to my daily life often seems like the biggest adventure.

A Passive-Aggressive Post

It's said, that if you look for trouble, you usually find it.

It is true indeed. I wish I'd never looked. I wish I'd never seen it, so that I wouldn't now be wondering why it was there, what happened to it, and why it's gone.

I know the winds have shifted. Call it female intuition, call it paranoia, call it whatever you want . . . but it's actually frightening how often my gut instincts have been right in this past year. I know right now that something is different, and I'm pretty sure I know what's changed.

I could be hurt, I guess. I could over-react and act like a psycho about it. I could get enraged and catty and lash out. I could change my plans, I could sit and cry, I could simply disappear.

I could do a lot of things.

But again, I turn to music to find my solace . . . George Michael:

But I gotta think twice before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play, because I play them, too
Oh but I need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
When that love comes down without devotion
Well it takes a strong man, baby, but I'll showin' you the door
Because I gotta have faith . . .

I will not be angry at the breaking of rules I myself have broken, because I view hypocrisy as possibly the worst character trait a human can possess. I know what I've done, and yes, part of it is regrettable, but most of it isn't. I will not hold others to standards I cannot meet myself. Therefore, I will be rational, because to get angry would only mean others have the right to get angry with me.

This one will have to just go away.

A Footnote

" . . . that there's some good in this world, Master Frodo. And it's worth fighting for."

I'm such a dork. But I'm cute so things even out.

Two Weeks Gone

The last two weeks have been quite a whirl. I've tried to find time to blog but find sleep a little more important (nothing personal to you, o reader!). A few observations from this time, which feels much longer than just two weeks:

• Certain parts of my anatomy have gotten bigger in the last year, if not more recently than that. Not only do most of my work shirts look obscene, but well-fitting dresses I wore just a year ago now restrict my breathing. This fact has been noted by others as well as myself. I have no idea how it happened. While some people would consider this happening a blessing, I am simply annoyed. They were hard to hide before, but now, they are one size away from needing their own seat during airline travel. Sigh . . .
• My hair is lighter, and everyone seems to like it. I've gotten random compliments, but I've also been told my natural color looked "too dark." Not sure what the hell to do with it now.
• I hate feeling jealous, and it doesn't happen often, but when it does, it is consuming and I become one very mean bitch.
• I can appreciate a wedding and be happy for the bride and groom, while still never wanting to get married myself.
• However, if I should lose my fucking mind and decide to get hitched, I found the church where I'd want it to happen. I also found a backup spot in case (for whatever reason) the church is a no-go. Both are small and intimate, and were there all along, but I just never noticed.
• I need to bury a few hatchets, so to speak. So I am going to pull them out of my back (they're starting to get annoying), patch the wounds as best as I can, and make it stop hurting. I'm going to bury the hatchets and add the injuries and scars to my list of "You'll Never Believe This, But It Really Happened and I Lived Through It" occasions in my life.
• One of my exes still wears a shirt I bought him. It's a little tighter than it was when I got it. And his hair is oddly reminiscent of Beaker (yes, the Muppet).
• I really love my sister and my best friend. I miss being far away from them and I am really glad I got to see them.
• My life is ridiculously incestuous. Between Stupid & Stupider, my best friend's dad marrying my ex-boyfriend's mother, and a coworker who is BFF with MY friend's ex-wife, I'm wondering if anyone else has situations as royally fucked up as mine.
• I've got some exciting travels coming up! Visiting my sister in Montana, then going on a work trip. I am welcoming any escape from work and mundane life. I do, however, find it weird that I pray for business trips because they are relaxing, compared to the stress of my office these days. 14-hour days, 7-day weeks, guns and war . . . and yet I find more peace away from home than here.
• I finally watched Lost In Translation after owning a $2 copy from Cambodia for 2 years. Wow. "I have to be leaving now, but I won't let that come between us." The story of my life.

Sometimes, there's nothing better than taking some time for yourself to blog, drink a tasty Chilean Savingon Blanc, and watch a movie, all by yourself . . . and the best part is when you realize it's the most fulfilling night you've had in weeks.

It is, indeed, the good life.

It's All About Perspective

I HAVE HAD A SHITTY DAY.

It started well enough. I woke up early, emailed a hottie, and completed an important errand on the way to work (I am proud to have donated about $600 worth of professional clothes I no longer need to 'Dress for Success,' a charity that helps less fortunate women prepare for job interviews and consequently, the work force. Ladies - next time you clean out your closet, keep this group in mind for your gently used professional attire).

Then I had to see another hottie, the one I had to let go. I couldn't say anything, as we were both working. It really sucks.

Then I rear-ended a bus and hurt my baby girl.

I'm fine, just had a headache all day. She is rolling fine as well, just a little cosmetic damage. Not sure yet how much it'll cost to make her perfect again.

Then I called Mom & Dad, all upset and freaked out, crying like a nut.

Then I had to go into work, where I couldn't get crap done due to said pounding head.

Then I went to the salon, where I intended to return my hair to all one color (its natural dark chocolate glory) and get my nails done. The hair took forever . . . and is NOT dark chocolate, but more caramel-chocolate. I had time for the manicure, but not the pedicure, and I have to go back tomorrow.

Then I remembered my new friend from my trip, Jack, who was diagnosed with a brain tumor last week and has to have surgery for it.

I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Cause you know what? My car can be fixed, and I can afford it. My job will be there for me tomorrow. My hair will grow out, and I, again, can afford to fix it.

But Jack doesn't have such comforts. And if he can be positive, then it's damn pathetic if I can't.

Thank you, God, for the wonderful people in my life. Thank you for my health, my professional success, and the life they let me enjoy. I refuse to whine any longer when I have so, SO much for which to be thankful.

Life is so beautiful.

The Princes and the Pig

I've been blogging for a year; happy Blogiversary to me! I want to mark the occasion by telling a funny little fairy tale.

Once upon a time, a princess moved into her very own castle. Sometimes, a prince would come to visit. When he arrived, he would empty out his pockets and put their contents on the princess' counter. When he left, he would take all the big items, including the biggest coins, but would leave the smaller coins behind. One day, after watching him select the big coins and leave behind a large pile of small ones, the princess asked, "What do you want me to do with all this money? It's yours." The prince responded, "Geez, I don't care. I only want the big coins."

So the princess bought a piggy bank. Big. Silver. And every day the prince left coins behind, she'd put them in the piggy bank, to keep them out of sight so the castle looked a little less messy.

As princes often do, this prince eventually left the princess alone. She wondered what was the right thing to do with the coins the prince had left her? The piggy bank was half full! But she never could bring herself to touch them. Before she could find an answer, another prince began calling. To the princess' shock, he did the exact same thing - left piles of small coins on her counter with every departure. While this bothered the princess greatly, she figured it was just another thing she'd have to tolerate when there was a prince around.

Again, as princes do, this prince left her alone as well. The princess again wondered what to do with the coins in the bank . . . it was almost full, after all! She started cleaning out her purse each night, keeping only what coins she needed, and putting the rest in the piggy bank. Collecting the coins now consumed her, she was determined to find a worthy purpose for the money.

One day, she added coins to the piggy bank only to find coins underneath it . . . it was so full that coins had spilled out of the seal on the bottom! The princess emptied the bank and put all the coins in bucket. My, my, was it heavy! She carried the heavy burden to the bank and received paper notes. She took the notes and put them in her account for something special.

On one of the princess' many adventures, she met a handsome warrior-prince that made the rest of the princes she knew look like complete pussies. The warrior was strong, independent, and honest, and he made the princess feel safe. He found her beautiful, and didn't need to be with her to feel secure, but he wanted to be with her because he liked her.

Upon his return from battle, the princess invited the warrior to her castle for a feast in his honor. She took the money she had saved and spent every coin's worth on the feast, celebrating his presence. She laughed at the princes who foolishly cast off the small coins, and smiled at her own wisdom, patience, and newfound love. She spent her money as she chose for the rest of her days, with the warrior by her side, and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

Ha!

I'm not sure what I was expecting today. I hadn't really formulated a plan beyond "SHOW NO PAIN" . . . but he didn't have the balls to talk to me at all before, why would he have the balls to talk to me at all now? There was nothing said, and there wasn't even eye contact. I couldn't even tell you what color shirt he was wearing, much less if the brown shoes are still around. We contentedly ignored each other ALL day, just doing our work.

I'm not letting the guard down, but I'm not expecting anything from him. I'm also not initiating anything. What is there to say that is not trite, patronizing, or a flat out lie? And furthermore . . . why make it any more of an issue than it already is? Why fuel the drama that he threw ME into? I'm so done. My lips are sealed.

Regarding my goals:

Stand/sit up straight: check
Avoid vomiting (in front of anyone): while mildly nauseated when he walked in, I held it down!
Look good (if not fabulous): check. Classic black & white, Barbie pink pedicure peeking out of classy sandals, ponytail, and Tiffany butterfly.
Get some work done: check.
Smile: check.
Smile some more: my face almost hurts.
Engage someone for drinks after work toasting my success in the previous goals: Dusty's picking me up in 20 mins.

Excellent work. Tomorrow: just another day. Warrior mode will be sustained for the time being. Silence is golden.

And quite productive, might I add.

"Then we will fight in the shade . . . "

Just finished watching 300 with a fabulous Riesling. Blogging with a buzz is the closest I get to "freewrites" back in high school.

Tomorrow is going to be the hardest day I've faced at work in a long time (the enemies' arrows are close to blocking out the sun), but I've prepared myself as best I can . . . getting in touch with my inner warrior (really, 300 is the best thing EVER for that), preparing to fight and if not conquer, at least go down swinging. I'm also focusing on the amazing weekend I spent with my real-life Warrior. And today I rewarded myself with my first Tiffany gift:

Hooray for me!

Goals for tomorrow:

• Stand/sit up straight.
• Avoid vomiting (in front of anyone).
• Look good (if not fabulous).
• Get some work done.
• Smile.
• Smile some more.
• Engage someone for drinks after work toasting my success in the previous goals.

I miss my best friend, as I could SO use one of his pep talks tonight.

One look in my enemy's eye, and I will know everything I need to know. It's been over a year and he thinks the battle is on his turf . . . but I've already taken the beach. A LONG time ago. I don't have to work with him. HE has to work with ME.

There's an old country song I've been reminded of since this whole mess began:

"Oh, that's a mighty long way to go . . . "

The whole FYH4M mindset is not about what short-term gratification you can rub in another person's face. It's about underlying power, about the long term. The battle may produce one outcome, but the war is long.

I can do this. I will do this. And I will never, ever, look back.

Lucky Charms Birth Control

Well, I am safely back in the country again. This most recent trip was also super-fun. I, again, learned a lot, made some good friends, annoyed my bosses at home just enough so they wouldn't forget about me, and survived wearing the same 6 shirts, 5 pairs of pants, and 3 pairs of shoes for 6 weeks. I met cute boys, partied like a rockstar, and learned that extreme heat affects my body in a similar way as taking shots of tequila. It was great. I love my work.

So, what has changed in the last 2 months? A few little things. Stupid ex and Stupider coworker (hmm, new nicknames perhaps? I'm still working on finding a good set. Stupid & Stupider? Linus and Lucy? Mr. & Mrs. Jack.Ass?) tied the knot in Vegas a week or so after I left. She bought her wedding dress online. Classy, let me tell you. And let's not forget the emails she cc'd the whole office on alerting our HR to her name change. When I go back to work next Tuesday, Mr. will be hanging in my office till he finds a new assignment, and Mrs. will be back on Thursday. So I'll be sharing office space with BOTH parts of the happy couple. Does this kind of crap happen to anyone else? I swear, it's worse than a bad episode of Friends.

Also, my former friend Where's Dessert has taken Troll back, saying he's going to have to make up for everything. Riiiiight. I am very relieved that I am no longer part of that drama. Unfortunately, it's only a matter of time before his jackassery takes over and he hurts her again, so I'm sure my phone will ring then. I just hope it's not in 2 years when there's an expensive wedding and a kid involved. Please, God . . .

Not much has changed for me personally. I've been enjoying my well-earned time off, just shopping and running errands. All the boys are behaving (they missed me while I was gone), but I had to let one of them know the game is over. Hated to do it over email but he lives in Jersey so seeing each other would take significant effort, which would have been wasted if it was just going to end. He was getting very jealous and his temper made me really uneasy. I told him once before that if we stayed together, we'd probably hit or scream at each other since we both have such firey dispositions. Best end it now before things got too serious. Anyway, I have the one who's in first place coming to see me this weekend. VERY excited to see him. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he misses me. I'm a simple girl, I don't need much more than that!

So, I wake up early thinking about him, stumble out to get myself a bowl of Lucky Charms and get online to start off yet another day. I pop my BC pill out of the pack and set it on the stove, pick it up for transport to the living room . . . and it slips through my fingers and drops into my bowl of Lucky Charms. D'OH! I fish for it with my spoon to no avail. Now, if there's one thing I hate, it's the lukewarm, blue milk at the end of a bowl of Lucky Charms. I have no choice today but to eat the cereal, then fish for the pill, which is half-dissolved. So that means I have to pour MORE cereal in to absorb the milk (just can't do it straight) to make sure as much of the pill as possible gets into my system. I just finished it and I feel kind of ill. Again, I must ask, does this crap happen to other people??? I have to laugh, there's nothing else you CAN do!

Some sound bytes from the last trip:

• "I'm not drunk, I'm sedated from my pain."
• "He's gayer than a football bat."
• "Here, the dust is so thick, you don't need sunscreen."
• "I love dust! The best part is flossing it out of my teeth."
• On why we can get away with just about anything: "What are they going to do, send me to a war zone? I'm already here!"
• "If you're not a little bit frustrated here, you're not working hard enough."
• "There's always time for lubricant!"
• "I kinda have a hamster in my brain."
• "I know I"m being filmed. That's why I'm keeping my pants on."
• "TOC - where fun goes to die!"
• "Frankenrocket!"
• "It takes guts to be nuts!"
• "You know you're here when you sleep in a trailer and work in a palace."

Good times, let me tell you. But the most valuable thing I learned was . . .

Loaded Coronas.

Take a Corona, sip it down a little so it's mid-neck full. Top off with a shot of Bacardi Limon rum. Seal the top with your thumb or hand and invert bottle to mix (same as you do normally). Sip and enjoy. Repeat until room spins.

Peace out.

"What Condoms Have to Do With Climate Change" - Article from Time.com

If you need a daily dose of common sense, this should do it for today. Sure, it's a little on the edge. But it is so logical. Too interesting not to share.

From Time.com. I can't figure out how to do a link (sigh), so you'll have to cut and paste. I promise it's worth it.

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1739253,00.html

Testimony of a Commitment Phobic

Last week, I was asked by a fellow commitment phobic why I am one as well. Since I'd had several margaritas at that point, I told him.

I told him about Nick, who cheated on me with a senior when he was a freshman and I was in 8th grade.

I told him about Jed, who read my emails for a year, read my journal, and looked up my phone calls without my knowledge, and later abandoned the cat we adopted together.

I told him about Tim, who couldn't stand up for himself and made me the villain. He's the one who's engaged to my coworker and still! neither of them have the guts to tell me so. When I see either of them again face to face, they'll be married.

I told him about Adam, who I really let in, really treated like a boyfriend, really was a good girlfriend to . . . and who dumped me after 4 months. He told me he had considered cheating on me to make it easier, and he told me he wished he could be proposing instead.

So yeah, I've been hurt. Each of these men broke my heart, and I'm not really that excited to take another chance. I am not so much of an idiot that I believe it will never happen again, and perhaps I'm only delaying the inevitable, but I have gone over a year without a heartbreak now. And it's been a good year, full of flirting and fun and friendships and martinis and vacations and time with the people who mean the most to me.

Sometimes I wish I could be like those other girls, the ones who actually have a "bride gene," who believe that their whole purpose in life is to meet the right guy, fall in love, get married, and have a family. Then I see people whose lives have been torn apart by divorce, cheating, financial co-depencency, custody battles, "irreconcilable differences," and just general relationship trauma. The worst are the folks who just aren't strong enough in their senses of self to move on and go it alone after a heartbreak. I just don't understand how someone can rely on another person for their ultimate happiness. It doesn't make sense to me.

Fifty percent of marriages end by divorce. I'm no math genius, but that's half. Would you invest your money in something that failed half of the time? Would you buy a car that only started half the time?

And OK . . . maybe it's because I haven't met the right guy. Maybe it's because I've met too many of the wrong ones. Maybe it's because I've seen what married men act like away from their wives. Maybe it's because I've had it with my snivelling, needy girlfriends. Maybe it's because I know my parents' 38 years together might not have been exactly what either of them wanted. Maybe I've lost faith in the dated, patriarchical institution that seems more like self-abandonment than "marriage." Maybe it's because I'm just scared of being that vulnerable to someone who could possibly mean the emotional chainsaw massacre of my heart.

But I know what I want. I know who I am, I know what makes me happy. I know what I want my long-term partnership to be like, and I know that someday it will happen.

In the meantime, I'm playing it safe. I'm playing it safe and making myself (that is, my SELF) strong . . . so when I choose to join my precious heart to another, it's the best heart it can be. And it will be strong enough to stand on its own, yet stand beside another heart, not because it needs another, but because it wants another.

And it's gonna be great.

And All That Jazz

I want to take a moment to give props to one of my favorite chick flicks:

Chicago.

This film is probably a better breakup movie than Waiting to Exhale. It's visually stimulating, with juxtaposing music scenes that switch between hard, cold, city images and fancy theater scenes with the actors singing onstage. It's rich. It's luscious. It's full of strong, manipulative, street-smart, wiseass female characters who commit to their choices no matter what the consequences. And yes, they accomplish what I think most girls passionately wish they could do sometimes . . . they kill their chauvenistic, slimy partners! They take them the f*** out! They get caught and go to prison and get attourneys and go to trial and hang and get off and become stars. Add in the jazzy sound and Bob Fosse choreography, and you've got a musical tale that is dripping with sexiness, vengeance, sarcasm, and female beguiling.

And of course it's fake. It's a movie/musical for crying out loud, don't take it so seriously. I am not advocating violence in any way.

It's just good. A little shot (haha) of girl power that is well performed and not even too cheesy for a musical. If you haven't seen it, check it out. If you don't have time to watch it, get the soundtrack.

Some of my favorite lines from this show are:

"You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic."

"So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots . . . into his head."

"He had it comin.'"

"I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?"

"Sure I'm sorry. Sorry I got caught!"

"When you're in trouble, go into your dance!"

"Stay away from jazz and liquor and the men who play for fun!"

"He liked to take me out and show me off for fun. Ugly guys like to do that."

"First I started foolin' around. Then I started screwin' around . . . which is foolin' around without dinner."

. . . and my ultimate favorite . . .

"OH, I'M NO ONE'S WIFE

BUT OH, I LOVE MY LIFE!"

And

All.

That.

Jazz.

Recuperation

If I got hit by a bus tomorrow and the previous blog was the last thing I ever posted, I'd be sorry. Therefore, I am going to blog about all the happy things from the last two weeks, because despite a bad day and a brief indulgence in my negativity, I am happy again and life is just damn amazing.

• I'm training for my first 5K and am doing really well, and even enjoying it.
• I finally saw the Harlem Globetrotters. Fun, but a little schticky - for the kids!
• I received the best compliment ever. Unfortunately, it's somewhat obscene, so I can't reproduce it here. But dang, it felt great to hear it!
• Scotch. And handsome green eyes to look into as I sipped it.
• I was a good friend to a drunk friend, knowing that she has never been and will never be that good of a friend to me. What can I say, I'm a giver.
• Easter and all the happy feelings of rebirth, innocence, and joy it brings.
• A much better Easter Sunday than last year - taller, more handsome, and definitely more sensitive. As the song goes: "He tastes like you, only sweeter . . . "
• OTB with Rowdy (see previous post from November).
• Cheese fries and half-price beers with my coworkers.
• Pittsburgh: shopping for Penguins and Steelers gear, Station Square, Mount Washington, and hometown bars.
• Seeing my beautiful sister - it had been way too long.
• Seeing my very best friend. Damn, I miss him.
• Mom's food.
• It's Cherry Blossom season in DC!
• Upcoming plans for the weekend involving a very special guest. :)

And so it goes. There are some clouds on the horizon but I am strong enough to get through the storm. My life is how I want it to be and nothing can stop the joy I feel about that. It is a wonderful, colorful, beautiful life and I wouldn't want it any other way.

List

In case you've never tried it, o reader, one of the best ways to get over someone is to make a list of things about them that drove you crazy (in a bad way). I did this for my ex over a year ago when he dumped me. But the whole situation is on my mind quite a bit over the last few weeks since he got engaged to my coworker, as noted in a previous post. Yesterday, I noticed a new picture of the two of them on her desk (she is on a work trip and not around), and, well, it kind of pissed me off. So I am going to post the highlights of the aforementioned list, only in a new light.

I never imagined I'd be that girl who blasts her exes on the internet . . . but nor did I ever imagine he truly had so little class, and that he could pull something this shady on anyone, much less me. I am hurt, and this is a much healthier method of coping than tracking him down and slapping him.

13 Things About Him That Are Not My Problem Anymore and That I Hope She Has Fun With

• He's not really that attractive. I was probably out of his league, and I'm pretty sure she is.
• His old, dorky glasses frames that he felt were as much a part of him as his nut sack.
• He wore the same pair of shoes every day. And they were so brown, they were almost red.
• His OBSESSION with jazz.
• Snoring. It was BAD. I would lay there and wonder how it was possible for a human to make that style of noise.
• He talked constantly but COULDN'T COMMUNICATE.
• His car was FILTHY inside and he cleaned it out once in the 1.5 years we dated.
• For one split second, one time, I got scared that he was about to hit me.
• He thought it was funny to speak in an Asian-English accent (as in "herro" instead of "hello" - being that she is Asian, I wonder if he still does this).
• He laughed, in my face, at my religious beliefs, yet demanded I have respect for his athiest ones.
• He preferred to jump off my balcony in the mornings rather than accept my offered spare key.
• He brought me flowers ONCE during that 1.5 years.
• He promised he'd always be there for me.

Drunken Humor

Just spent a birthday-slash-girls-night-out with my girlfriends. After a TON of sangria, the best Mexican in DC at Rosa Mexicano, and a GIANT Long Island Iced Tea at Lucky Bar, all I know is the following:

• I drunk-txted a former coworker who, last December, won the Best Kiss 2007 award. But he contacted me earlier in the day so it wasn't in the blind!
• Sound bytes of the night included "I know we're in Dupont because you're IN MY ASS" and "I used to have a crush on that guy, but then I got laid."
• I adore my girls. Big props to Soon-to-Be Suburban Princess, Where's Dessert, Yes They're Real, and especially I'm Not Einstein for being our DD.

Special thanks to Yes They're Real for putting it all together . . . and bringing the semi-ridiculous, leprechaun and rainbow we-guarantee-a-diabetic-coma birthday cake!

I'll say it yet again - this is the good life!

There and Back Again

A traveling young woman's tale, by Andrea.

I slept on foreign soil for 60 nights and returned safely, thank God. It was an awesome experience. The best thing by far was the people I worked for and with, and how open and friendly every single one was. It meant a lot to rediscover helpful, like-minded people focused on a goal rather than who they can step on to get ahead. So I'll give a shout out to all the merciless-vigilant-mercenaries and my coworkers in the secret room . . . it was truly my pleasure to meet and work with each one of you.

Below are some of the funny things I heard and recorded (as anyone who knows me well knows, I like to create "sound bytes" of quotes to enhance my memories). Of course, most of them will make no sense out of context, but they will probably sound funny anyway . . .

• "Thank Allah it's Thursday."
• "Just another day in the fishbowl."
• "We're at the mercy of the weather . . . "
• "Do you know what the Matrix is?"
• "Where the hell is the bird?"
• "Bubblegoose!"
• "He's just pissy because he's fucking the fat chick."
• "You know what this team needs??? A midget!"
• "Women may be crazy, but at least we walk upright."
• "Window or aisle?"
• "It feels like a facial, only it's painful."
• "You should get hazard pay from all the pork swords walking around. Sounds dangerous to me."
• "Is the camel plugged in?"
• "POO Analysis" (actual title of email)
• "Donkey Cart IED: 1x donkey KIA"
• "They're gonna be here in 10 minutes! Get the schwarma!"
• "shit-tastic" (adjective)
• "These are my tactical Uggs."
• "Hello, sex hair!"

Just typing them makes me smile as I remember the great times.

And because I'm limited as to what I can say about my work travels, I have to focus on the personal aspects of my trip. I think the best way to do this is to make a list of things I learned while I was gone, or once I returned:

I learned that I am competent at my work and I know what I'm doing, despite my boss at home's constant belittling.

I learned that I can tap into my grace, confidence, esteem, and kindness whenever I want, and nobody can take that ability away from me.

I learned that I should not discount the affections of younger men. While I am at an age where I am increasingly exposed to guys younger than me, I am not yet so old that it's wrong to give them a chance. They try harder and they can be temptingly adorable. After all, you're only as old as the person you feel!

I learned that not only does my ex NOT walk on water, but he is truly insensitive and has no class. I learned that not only has he been dating one of my coworkers (we're talking someone who works within 15 feet of my desk), but now they are engaged. Neither of them found it necessary to inform me. Nor did one of my best friends, who knew for almost a month that they were together.

I learned who my real friends are, and are not. I learned that real friends will tell you the truth no matter how bad it is or how upset it might make you, and they will support you no matter how you react. They will stand strong to hold you up, or they will get down on the floor with you where you've just collapsed, so you are not alone. They do not say "it's not my place to get involved," and they do not hold back on details.

I learned that I am too good of a catch to sit idly by while a guy figures out what he wants. I felt bad about this at first, but when he told me he understood and he knew what he was giving up, I realized that I was just doing what I had to do, like he was.

I learned that I am no closer to wanting to procure a husband and settle down than I was when I was 20.

I learned that I can still fall back in love with my job when I get out of the administrative world and get to see where the "rubber meets the road." I get re-charged and I want to serve, and serve, until world peace breaks out or until I cannot physically serve any longer.

I learned that driving on the Beltway is like riding a bike. You can go a while without doing it, and when you go back, it's scary for a minute but you somehow remember how to do it.

I returned home on my 28th birthday to a day with my friends: shopping, eating, drinking, storytelling, and laughing. It was a significant day on many fronts. I could only sit in my crowded church and offer up my gratitude that I was home, safe, happy, and oh-so-blessed.

It's the good life.

I'm baaaaack!

New clothing purchases at the Limited and Esprit: $800

Bouquet of daffodils bought for me, by me: $6

Fancy salon haircut: $100

Pedicure and French manicure: $45

Feeling like a woman again after 8 weeks in a war zone:

Priceless, baby.

Priceless.


More to come soon . . .