List

In case you've never tried it, o reader, one of the best ways to get over someone is to make a list of things about them that drove you crazy (in a bad way). I did this for my ex over a year ago when he dumped me. But the whole situation is on my mind quite a bit over the last few weeks since he got engaged to my coworker, as noted in a previous post. Yesterday, I noticed a new picture of the two of them on her desk (she is on a work trip and not around), and, well, it kind of pissed me off. So I am going to post the highlights of the aforementioned list, only in a new light.

I never imagined I'd be that girl who blasts her exes on the internet . . . but nor did I ever imagine he truly had so little class, and that he could pull something this shady on anyone, much less me. I am hurt, and this is a much healthier method of coping than tracking him down and slapping him.

13 Things About Him That Are Not My Problem Anymore and That I Hope She Has Fun With

• He's not really that attractive. I was probably out of his league, and I'm pretty sure she is.
• His old, dorky glasses frames that he felt were as much a part of him as his nut sack.
• He wore the same pair of shoes every day. And they were so brown, they were almost red.
• His OBSESSION with jazz.
• Snoring. It was BAD. I would lay there and wonder how it was possible for a human to make that style of noise.
• He talked constantly but COULDN'T COMMUNICATE.
• His car was FILTHY inside and he cleaned it out once in the 1.5 years we dated.
• For one split second, one time, I got scared that he was about to hit me.
• He thought it was funny to speak in an Asian-English accent (as in "herro" instead of "hello" - being that she is Asian, I wonder if he still does this).
• He laughed, in my face, at my religious beliefs, yet demanded I have respect for his athiest ones.
• He preferred to jump off my balcony in the mornings rather than accept my offered spare key.
• He brought me flowers ONCE during that 1.5 years.
• He promised he'd always be there for me.

Drunken Humor

Just spent a birthday-slash-girls-night-out with my girlfriends. After a TON of sangria, the best Mexican in DC at Rosa Mexicano, and a GIANT Long Island Iced Tea at Lucky Bar, all I know is the following:

• I drunk-txted a former coworker who, last December, won the Best Kiss 2007 award. But he contacted me earlier in the day so it wasn't in the blind!
• Sound bytes of the night included "I know we're in Dupont because you're IN MY ASS" and "I used to have a crush on that guy, but then I got laid."
• I adore my girls. Big props to Soon-to-Be Suburban Princess, Where's Dessert, Yes They're Real, and especially I'm Not Einstein for being our DD.

Special thanks to Yes They're Real for putting it all together . . . and bringing the semi-ridiculous, leprechaun and rainbow we-guarantee-a-diabetic-coma birthday cake!

I'll say it yet again - this is the good life!

There and Back Again

A traveling young woman's tale, by Andrea.

I slept on foreign soil for 60 nights and returned safely, thank God. It was an awesome experience. The best thing by far was the people I worked for and with, and how open and friendly every single one was. It meant a lot to rediscover helpful, like-minded people focused on a goal rather than who they can step on to get ahead. So I'll give a shout out to all the merciless-vigilant-mercenaries and my coworkers in the secret room . . . it was truly my pleasure to meet and work with each one of you.

Below are some of the funny things I heard and recorded (as anyone who knows me well knows, I like to create "sound bytes" of quotes to enhance my memories). Of course, most of them will make no sense out of context, but they will probably sound funny anyway . . .

• "Thank Allah it's Thursday."
• "Just another day in the fishbowl."
• "We're at the mercy of the weather . . . "
• "Do you know what the Matrix is?"
• "Where the hell is the bird?"
• "Bubblegoose!"
• "He's just pissy because he's fucking the fat chick."
• "You know what this team needs??? A midget!"
• "Women may be crazy, but at least we walk upright."
• "Window or aisle?"
• "It feels like a facial, only it's painful."
• "You should get hazard pay from all the pork swords walking around. Sounds dangerous to me."
• "Is the camel plugged in?"
• "POO Analysis" (actual title of email)
• "Donkey Cart IED: 1x donkey KIA"
• "They're gonna be here in 10 minutes! Get the schwarma!"
• "shit-tastic" (adjective)
• "These are my tactical Uggs."
• "Hello, sex hair!"

Just typing them makes me smile as I remember the great times.

And because I'm limited as to what I can say about my work travels, I have to focus on the personal aspects of my trip. I think the best way to do this is to make a list of things I learned while I was gone, or once I returned:

I learned that I am competent at my work and I know what I'm doing, despite my boss at home's constant belittling.

I learned that I can tap into my grace, confidence, esteem, and kindness whenever I want, and nobody can take that ability away from me.

I learned that I should not discount the affections of younger men. While I am at an age where I am increasingly exposed to guys younger than me, I am not yet so old that it's wrong to give them a chance. They try harder and they can be temptingly adorable. After all, you're only as old as the person you feel!

I learned that not only does my ex NOT walk on water, but he is truly insensitive and has no class. I learned that not only has he been dating one of my coworkers (we're talking someone who works within 15 feet of my desk), but now they are engaged. Neither of them found it necessary to inform me. Nor did one of my best friends, who knew for almost a month that they were together.

I learned who my real friends are, and are not. I learned that real friends will tell you the truth no matter how bad it is or how upset it might make you, and they will support you no matter how you react. They will stand strong to hold you up, or they will get down on the floor with you where you've just collapsed, so you are not alone. They do not say "it's not my place to get involved," and they do not hold back on details.

I learned that I am too good of a catch to sit idly by while a guy figures out what he wants. I felt bad about this at first, but when he told me he understood and he knew what he was giving up, I realized that I was just doing what I had to do, like he was.

I learned that I am no closer to wanting to procure a husband and settle down than I was when I was 20.

I learned that I can still fall back in love with my job when I get out of the administrative world and get to see where the "rubber meets the road." I get re-charged and I want to serve, and serve, until world peace breaks out or until I cannot physically serve any longer.

I learned that driving on the Beltway is like riding a bike. You can go a while without doing it, and when you go back, it's scary for a minute but you somehow remember how to do it.

I returned home on my 28th birthday to a day with my friends: shopping, eating, drinking, storytelling, and laughing. It was a significant day on many fronts. I could only sit in my crowded church and offer up my gratitude that I was home, safe, happy, and oh-so-blessed.

It's the good life.

I'm baaaaack!

New clothing purchases at the Limited and Esprit: $800

Bouquet of daffodils bought for me, by me: $6

Fancy salon haircut: $100

Pedicure and French manicure: $45

Feeling like a woman again after 8 weeks in a war zone:

Priceless, baby.

Priceless.


More to come soon . . .