Something to November

The leaves have fallen. I reach for sweaters and not tank tops. I lace up my Dr. Martens, not slip into my Birkenstocks. I leave the house early to warm up the car and dash from the parking lot to my desk, not stroll to enjoy the morning. I run on a treadmill so my ears don't freeze. I turn my face to the sun and soak up all the rays I can, when I can, because it seems I never know when I'll see it again.

Winter is here.

At least I can get a little more sun than I did in PA.

I've been busy since my last blog. I went shopping and treated myself to a massage. I had a date. I hunted real estate since the season is so good, looking at 9 places in the past 2 weeks, 4 of which are promising. I partied with some new friends (and JunkFood!). I had a lovely dinner with my favorite ex-boyfriend (no, I don't hate all of them). I had a girl-date. I had two guy-friend-dates. I worked a lot. I had another date. I welcomed home one of my girls with a ride to her car and a cup of coffee and lots of girl-talk. I finally got my hair back to its relatively normal color, plus a slightly different cut (think a shorter version of Shannen Dougherty - it looks dark enough to make me look mildly goth and I might play w/ that at work tomorrow).

And something happened that hasn't happened for a year . . .

I got flowers.

I got flowers!!!! I promise I will only "girl-out" for two sentences despite wanting to gush volumes . . .

1. Flowers are simply a really nice thing.

2. I like to get them, not all the time, but occasionally.

OK, done. And sure, o reader, I'll give you what you really want . . .

Yes, the dates were good. Excellent, in fact. They're very cool guys and I had a lot of fun. One is even a Steelers fan from 'da Burgh.

But neither of them has the smile that the flowers saw before the sender clicked "SUBMIT ORDER." Neither of them has the laugh I miss. Neither of them has the sweetness to laugh off a ridiculous night of celebratory drinking or to hang my towel closer to the shower door. Neither of them knows what songs I sing when I blow-dry my hair. Neither of them are quite there.

Yep, I'm a sap. But I've found someone who's very important to me and that's just how it is. I don't know if it's love, or forever, but it makes me smile now. And that's all I need. Be safe out there, Goldilocks. I'll be missing you.

I'm off to PA this week for some family holiday time and my high school class reunion. No doubt this will be an adventure, and I will post a count of alcohol units consumed (if I manage to keep track, that is!)

From the Fringe

As I write this, the entire social circle of my first two years in Virginia, plus the majority of my coworkers for the past two, are somewhere celebrating the Stupids' wedding, after-the-fact. Because when you get married after dating for only 8 months, keeping it a secret from everyone, and you run off to Vegas to do it since one of you has already had one big wedding, you don't really have time to involve everyone. Today's attendees include Dusty and Where's Dessert, two people who used to be very, very close to me . . . and who are no longer. People I used to trust. People I used to even love.

It's on my mind. I can't help it. I've known it was coming for several weeks now and my tolerance of Stupider in the office grew pretty thin recently. But maybe knowing today's event is finally happening can help the moving on process.

Who am I fooling - the way this bullshit drama is unfolding, she's already pregnant and they'll just be breaking the news to everyone today. ;)

Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places" came on the iPod on random today and how appropriate.

I showed up in boots and ruined your black tie affair
Last one to know, last one to show
I was the last one you thought you'd see there
I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes
When I took his glass of champagne
I toasted you, said 'honey we may be through,
But you'll never hear me complain!'

And the live-version-only third verse:

I guess I was wrong, I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
Everything's all right
I'll just say goodnight and show myself to the door
I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just wait till I finish this glass
Sweet little lady, I'll get back to the bar
And you can KISS MY ASS!!!!

While I dream of a delicious confrontation in which I come out the obvious winner, I know too much time has passed for that to actually happen. I also know that resolution lies in my hands alone, because it's obvious they don't see any need to reconcile. While I doubt true reconciliation is possible, I'm praying for the ability to forgive and to remain the stronger person. The one who sees people doing hurtful things and promises to never, ever, treat another person that way.

And I know everyone is wondering why I'm still talking about it. It's been almost a year. Yes, I know. But just think how easy it would be for YOU to heal from major deceit, major betrayal by two of your close friends . . . and to top it off, have to work EVERY DAMN DAY with one of the responsible parties. You tell me how well you'd do when you see her every day, knowing she lied to your face and deliberately deceived you, and it was likely at his request. Think about it and tell me how easy it would be to wake up every day, prepare for work like you'd prepare for battle, sit in a cube for 9 hours, conscious of everything you do and say, dreading every moment you might hear her voice, listening to her and her BFF pick-and-talk about weekend plans or home improvement projects or the latest party in the circle you are no longer a part of. Think about how it would feel to have a boss who thinks your nemesis can do no wrong, while you are the only person in the office the boss openly dislikes and constantly reprimands. Think about it.

And don't judge me too harshly till you've walked the same road.

So yeah, it's still on my mind. I know distance helps and look forward to it every chance I have. But until then, it's a wound that's ripped open every day and I appreciate your patience while I slowly heal.